Riding the black wave

Time to get to know me a little better. I held my first group shoot a year ago this past July, and there was a reason for it. July 30, 2005 was supposed to be my red-letter day, the day I had planned for two years to end what I considered pretty much a pointless existence. And then I got this idea to have a bunch of photographers and models for a day of shooting at the arts center, and the deadline I set for my happiness came and went without incident. The original concept of the group shoot pretty much saved my life in my eyes. It has grown and developed, introduced me to most of my friends, and it has given me something to look forward for the past year and a half. It has also led me to where I am now, living in Bowling Green with my friends. There’s always a rub, though. The idea of the group shoot had me working on my art 24/7, networking and finally doing something with my life that I love. At the same time, my living in BG has been taking me away from this. It’s hard to explain to friends when you’re miserable how fragile your sense of self-worth is. When you’re riding that black wave, it’s easy to suck your friends down with you. How do you explain that you’re feeling similar thoughts to when you were at your lowest? I’m 41 years old and have never been in love, engaged or married. I won’t even start with how long it’s been since I’ve dated or been intimate with a woman. Anything that I thought I might become when I was younger has since passed me by. I have found one thing I actually love to do and have found myself the past few months being pulled away from it. If working 30-40 hours a week at a restaurant just to survive is the sum of my existence, then it’s not worth much. As much as my friends support me, they can’t help me. A previous version of myself would have shared my unhappiness with them. Such honesty has cost me too many friends in the past. So, the past few weeks have led me to this point where I find myself needing to pursue my art 24/7. Starting off 2007 miserable doesn’t strike me as the best way to start a new year.